Rocks Fall Everyone Dies

Matt's Notes for 6/21/2017
Bear wagon polka

After their rousing success at wolf removal the party takes a well earned rest among the leaves and branches and wolf bits. There is a longer debate than necessary over how to proceed (off the road, on the road, to the caves?)… and then assuming the bandits will still be snug in their bandit beds they head off through the woods.

As dawn breaks over the forest, wisps of smoke and the smell of bacon help direct the party to the camp of their mighty foes. Observing from a distance the party sees that a small clearing fronts a cave, a pair of guards, a pair of tents, a camp fire with cooking bacon (the lure is nearly to much for the dwarf, but his iron will allows him to maintain the vigil)… and a bear in a cage. A poor, starving bear… 

A plan develops. Well, a sort of plan. An idea. Look, we're new at this okay, no one knew how hard it would be to be murder hobos! Anyways, the best plan. We split up along natural lines, Aramis and Darkscale to the right, Durus and Aetron to the left. CnD are to sneak up and free the bear while the PnW will be on call for distraction duty.

The paladin is like a ninja, leaping from tree to tree silently, while the rest of the party are mere mortals tromping amongst the forest floor. After divesting himself of his pots and pans (nat 1) Aramis is able to twinkle-toe through the underbrush (nat 20) with the dwarf tromping along, not gaining the notice of the guards but the bear. The poor, starved bear stares out with his Sarah McLachlan sad eyes… dooming the guards to a final fate, no quarter wil lbe offered for the perpetrators.  Kill some merchants, go to the meat hooks, torment a bear? Death.

At this point things speed up, as the dwarf friends the bear, the Aramis unlocks the door, Aetron initiates the planned distraction…

Bear roar! Bacon dropping grease fire making! A Tent killed by Aetron's energies! Lunging paladins, skewering guards! OMG that bear just ripped out a guys throat! Guys don't like it when they have holes blown through their chests! Discount store Danny Trejo appears, tosses a knife into the paladin's throat! Discount store Danny Trejo is engulfed in fire… And wait, what about that guy in the cave with the spears? Oh right… BEARCHARGESKULLCRUSHINGBITEFTW

Yogi is drafted into the team and fed much boar meat by the dwarf.

We proceed to loot the bodies and cave. There's a bit of noble adjacent finery… claimed by Aetron Valcius despite the blood and the rip in the chest. "I can get blood out the same way I get pee out!". Also, the boar's head (from that slaughtered boar, which is the source of the bacon and assorted other meats hanging in one of the tents) it taken as additional loot by Darkscale.

At this point we dump the cage from the wagon, pile in our ill re-gotten goods and have Yogi help us drag it all back to town. Darkscale rides in style, bear tractor style.  Fireworks and celebratory lights provided by the Aetron. The constable meets us at the edge of town, prepared to fend off this viscous bear calvary assault, but it's just us, the friendly murder hobos. Ultimately we are rewarded with lunch and money and a warning to not threaten to murder citizens while appearing to be demons… not that that happened. Also, Yogi is not allowed in to town as the constable is prejudiced against bears whose jowls are covered in the blood of it's enemies. Darkscale leads him a bit out of ton and lets him take a nap to rest up for his continued journeys with us.

Then off to Fat Tommy's (Formerly known as Lorren's Bakery), home of the cheesy-mushroom-bread that is everything crumblebread is not (i.e.  desirable to eat), for some of pre-mentioned bread as well as beer and rumors! It seems Fat Tommy (the baker formerly known as the rather boring Lorren) went out to investigate the rumored ghosts that scared the little girl. He says that he saw a goblin wizard spelling up the joint, obviously to keep the townsfolk away from all the loot that is contained in the tomb. This sound totally legit. We then go to the lunch provided by the lady butcher. The butcher that is lady, not the butcher that butchers ladies…. wait, is there a murderous butcher in town? We should look in to this. But after we finish lunch and investigating the ghost tomb.

Fat Tommy's is now our unofficial headquarters.

I'm Darkscale, and Fat Tommy's is my favorite bakery on the Citadel… 

Bandit camp loot

Coin purses containing 13gp, 74sp, 99cp

Trade goods were returned and most weapons were donated for a reward of 150gp

Weapons kept: light crossbow with 2 cases of 20 bolts each, quiver of 24 arrows, spear

Also kept: 10lbs of assorted salted and cured boar meat, boars head (given to butcher for rendering/lunch), 1 wagon with makeshift bear harness

Matt's Notes for 6/7/2017

We start at the Helm at Highsun tavern (and crumble cake wholesaler) , where we wait for Constable Harburk.  After a self serving hour of selling us his over prices food stuffs, we are informed by one of the servers that the constable is in another castle… I mean, the butcher's shop (and part time jail). 

Jalessa the butcher informs us that the constable is in the basement taking care of some troublemakers. This is totally not suspicious, and we defenseless and innocent murder hobos descend into the cellar to meet our fate, I mean the constable.  

After observing the object lesson that happens to troublemakers (the meat hooks are not just for cows) we are informed that the constable wants us to investigate and take care of the bandits that are fucking with caravans on the south road.  He gives us some possible camp locations. He also gives us some leads on other side quests we can use for loot and XP.

Mhandyvver's Chicken Emporium
-Think Howl's non-moving chicken shack
-The granddaughter is 10ish, she says the ghost was transparent and told her to go away, but didn't seem mean (Okay, maybe this was a real ghost, and not just a Scooby one). We get a map to the general location of where the ghost-tomb siting was

Vallivoe's Sundries
-Think, Sandford and Son's only with Newsie's era christian bale and friends darting amongst the goods.
- SOLD (not given) a map and details to a locaiton where locals saw "skull pinned to a
tree with a black arrow". Strange omens.

Dornen Finestone
-House painted with stonedust.
- A tall rude man who doesn't want to talk to us. Our friendly neighborhood warlock intimidates him and he tells us of the treasure cave in order to get us to leave.  

Missed connections: All the fine pastries at the bakery… alas, the previous interrogations didn't allow us time to investigate these before we set off into the wilderness in search of bandit camps… If only the damn tavern keeper hadn't kept us for an hour filling me up with crumble bread surely I would have been able to taste the fine delicacies that this town could offer.

We should probably revisit places in town to follow up on our leads about the treasure cave and the ghost and the skull omens to see if we can get further/different information. However, being ambitious murder hobos we decide to go off to kill some bandits. 

Instead of bandits we discover WOLVES! OMGWOLVESWTFBBQ?!?!?!!?!? Wolves were killed. Warlocks were scared. Trees were assaulted. Good times were had. 
We rest.

Welcome to your campaign!
Princes of the Apocalypse

The setting for the campaign is Forgotten Realms. The area is the Dessarin Valley, the inland area on the sword coast between Neverwinter and Waterdeep. Everyone will start out in the town of Red Larch.


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