Rocks Fall Everyone Dies

Welcome to your campaign!
Princes of the Apocalypse

The setting for the campaign is Forgotten Realms. The area is the Dessarin Valley, the inland area on the sword coast between Neverwinter and Waterdeep. Everyone will start out in the town of Red Larch.

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Matt's Notes for 6/7/2017

We start at the Helm at Highsun tavern (and crumble cake wholesaler) , where we wait for Constable Harburk.  After a self serving hour of selling us his over prices food stuffs, we are informed by one of the servers that the constable is in another castle… I mean, the butcher's shop (and part time jail). 

Jalessa the butcher informs us that the constable is in the basement taking care of some troublemakers. This is totally not suspicious, and we defenseless and innocent murder hobos descend into the cellar to meet our fate, I mean the constable.  

After observing the object lesson that happens to troublemakers (the meat hooks are not just for cows) we are informed that the constable wants us to investigate and take care of the bandits that are fucking with caravans on the south road.  He gives us some possible camp locations. He also gives us some leads on other side quests we can use for loot and XP.

Mhandyvver's Chicken Emporium
-Think Howl's non-moving chicken shack
-The granddaughter is 10ish, she says the ghost was transparent and told her to go away, but didn't seem mean (Okay, maybe this was a real ghost, and not just a Scooby one). We get a map to the general location of where the ghost-tomb siting was

Vallivoe's Sundries
-Think, Sandford and Son's only with Newsie's era christian bale and friends darting amongst the goods.
- SOLD (not given) a map and details to a locaiton where locals saw "skull pinned to a
tree with a black arrow". Strange omens.

Dornen Finestone
-House painted with stonedust.
- A tall rude man who doesn't want to talk to us. Our friendly neighborhood warlock intimidates him and he tells us of the treasure cave in order to get us to leave.  

Missed connections: All the fine pastries at the bakery… alas, the previous interrogations didn't allow us time to investigate these before we set off into the wilderness in search of bandit camps… If only the damn tavern keeper hadn't kept us for an hour filling me up with crumble bread surely I would have been able to taste the fine delicacies that this town could offer.

We should probably revisit places in town to follow up on our leads about the treasure cave and the ghost and the skull omens to see if we can get further/different information. However, being ambitious murder hobos we decide to go off to kill some bandits. 

Instead of bandits we discover WOLVES! OMGWOLVESWTFBBQ?!?!?!!?!? Wolves were killed. Warlocks were scared. Trees were assaulted. Good times were had. 
We rest.
 

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Bandit camp loot

Coin purses containing 13gp, 74sp, 99cp

Trade goods were returned and most weapons were donated for a reward of 150gp

Weapons kept: light crossbow with 2 cases of 20 bolts each, quiver of 24 arrows, spear

Also kept: 10lbs of assorted salted and cured boar meat, boars head (given to butcher for rendering/lunch), 1 wagon with makeshift bear harness

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Matt's Notes for 6/21/2017
Bear wagon polka

After their rousing success at wolf removal the party takes a well earned rest among the leaves and branches and wolf bits. There is a longer debate than necessary over how to proceed (off the road, on the road, to the caves?)… and then assuming the bandits will still be snug in their bandit beds they head off through the woods.

As dawn breaks over the forest, wisps of smoke and the smell of bacon help direct the party to the camp of their mighty foes. Observing from a distance the party sees that a small clearing fronts a cave, a pair of guards, a pair of tents, a camp fire with cooking bacon (the lure is nearly to much for the dwarf, but his iron will allows him to maintain the vigil)… and a bear in a cage. A poor, starving bear… 

A plan develops. Well, a sort of plan. An idea. Look, we're new at this okay, no one knew how hard it would be to be murder hobos! Anyways, the best plan. We split up along natural lines, Aramis and Darkscale to the right, Durus and Aetron to the left. CnD are to sneak up and free the bear while the PnW will be on call for distraction duty.

The paladin is like a ninja, leaping from tree to tree silently, while the rest of the party are mere mortals tromping amongst the forest floor. After divesting himself of his pots and pans (nat 1) Aramis is able to twinkle-toe through the underbrush (nat 20) with the dwarf tromping along, not gaining the notice of the guards but the bear. The poor, starved bear stares out with his Sarah McLachlan sad eyes… dooming the guards to a final fate, no quarter wil lbe offered for the perpetrators.  Kill some merchants, go to the meat hooks, torment a bear? Death.

At this point things speed up, as the dwarf friends the bear, the Aramis unlocks the door, Aetron initiates the planned distraction…

Bear roar! Bacon dropping grease fire making! A Tent killed by Aetron's energies! Lunging paladins, skewering guards! OMG that bear just ripped out a guys throat! Guys don't like it when they have holes blown through their chests! Discount store Danny Trejo appears, tosses a knife into the paladin's throat! Discount store Danny Trejo is engulfed in fire… And wait, what about that guy in the cave with the spears? Oh right… BEARCHARGESKULLCRUSHINGBITEFTW

Yogi is drafted into the team and fed much boar meat by the dwarf.

We proceed to loot the bodies and cave. There's a bit of noble adjacent finery… claimed by Aetron Valcius despite the blood and the rip in the chest. "I can get blood out the same way I get pee out!". Also, the boar's head (from that slaughtered boar, which is the source of the bacon and assorted other meats hanging in one of the tents) it taken as additional loot by Darkscale.

At this point we dump the cage from the wagon, pile in our ill re-gotten goods and have Yogi help us drag it all back to town. Darkscale rides in style, bear tractor style.  Fireworks and celebratory lights provided by the Aetron. The constable meets us at the edge of town, prepared to fend off this viscous bear calvary assault, but it's just us, the friendly murder hobos. Ultimately we are rewarded with lunch and money and a warning to not threaten to murder citizens while appearing to be demons… not that that happened. Also, Yogi is not allowed in to town as the constable is prejudiced against bears whose jowls are covered in the blood of it's enemies. Darkscale leads him a bit out of ton and lets him take a nap to rest up for his continued journeys with us.

Then off to Fat Tommy's (Formerly known as Lorren's Bakery), home of the cheesy-mushroom-bread that is everything crumblebread is not (i.e.  desirable to eat), for some of pre-mentioned bread as well as beer and rumors! It seems Fat Tommy (the baker formerly known as the rather boring Lorren) went out to investigate the rumored ghosts that scared the little girl. He says that he saw a goblin wizard spelling up the joint, obviously to keep the townsfolk away from all the loot that is contained in the tomb. This sound totally legit. We then go to the lunch provided by the lady butcher. The butcher that is lady, not the butcher that butchers ladies…. wait, is there a murderous butcher in town? We should look in to this. But after we finish lunch and investigating the ghost tomb.

Fat Tommy's is now our unofficial headquarters.

I'm Darkscale, and Fat Tommy's is my favorite bakery on the Citadel… 

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Matt's Notes for 7/19/2017
No pressure

After a good nights rest and a breakfast of 0 crumblecakes, we are all feeling ready for adventure… also, we leveled up so that helps too. We debate on which lead to follow up on first and decide that we need to go punch an omen, so the black arrow skull rumor it is!

Our bear friend/mascot/wagon-puller awaits us on the northern trail, magical friendship spells or no he doesn't look a gift head cheese in the mouth. (no one should really, I mean… come on… it's head cheese, don't look to close). At this point we decide that we don't need a wagon, so our bear is fancy free and just following along behind us as we begin our explorations. After traveling a ways into the wilderness the area becomes quite quiet as sounds of insects and animals and all that normal stuff vanishes. Lord Ursus VonBearington becomes agitated, unhappy with the unnaturalness, but we proceed until we come upon… not a clearing, but a thinning of the woods… a lone tree, gnarled in appearance and seemingly mismatched for the local arboreal mix, stands before us.  Drawling closer we find that this is indeed the source of the omen rumors, a large black arrow pins a skull to the tree… 

Being sturdy adventurer types we are not daunted by this weirdness and approach the tree, as we do we can make out that there is soem sort of parchment tried to the arrow, obviously this is not a trap and should be investigated by someone reaching up and grabbing it. The Warlock for instance. As he touches it the forest grows dim, and he hesitates, then stumbles back. Nothing  untoward happens. (Note to the home viewers: Aetron experiences an odd vision at this time, the skull looming larger and larger, then passing through him laughing as it went). We read the human skin parchment note "The last laugh, you'll be next"… not creepy. Being righteous folk we decide to burn the note, arrow and skull and therefor banish whatever evils may have been tied to it.  The fire burns away, and the smoke forms a skull cloud as it goes… this is totally normal and not weird or foreboding. 
(GM quote "You don't know how happy it makes me that you were the one to touch it". TMI)

We leave the area, on the way to the tomb of treasures. Creepy forest noises trail behind us, though only the Warlock seems to hear them so… who knows if we can trust that.  I mean, I'm a druid, I should know if anything creepy is going on with this whole nature… thing.  Also he talks to himself.

We find the overgrown cemetery and start our investigation there of… Darkscale activates bear form and does some snuffling around. Definite scents of goblin and another unwashed humanoid. Also Aetron smells kinda funny… like dead things or something.

We head in to the tomb, finding the interior door slightly ajar we open it and trigger the noise-trap that was set up… Obviously this could only have been set to warn people INSIDE the tomb… there is no immediate response to the trap so we proceed inside.
PAST THE NOISE TRAP.
THIS IS NO CAUSE FOR ALARM.

Anyways, inside the tomb we find an old worn stone slab, the metal bits that were once attached to it rusted from age. A rusted and decrepit old door leads from the room but when we approach it we are confronted by the specter that guards the tomb. Turns out the little girl was right after all. It turns out Brianne (we're good friends now, so we call her by her first name, Brianne) was the guard of this old lord named Jonquil the Benevolent (self titled, not formally recognized) who went and got himself killed in a tavern brawl while Brianne was dead drunk. Now, she guiltily guards his resting remains.  I think you gotta let this stuff go eventually, but that's me… anyways, she is guarding this tomb and wants us to leave. But our smooth talking convinces her that we are here to help… which, really, we are after all since we want to keep this goblin and his pal from stealing anything from the tomb. Which, as it turns out, they have been trying for weeks now and keep coming back like a jerk at the bar.  She says no, chases them off, they come back.. repeat… Aetron smooth talks her into letting him see what is inside the sealed tomb in exchange for us making the goblin go away permanently. Seeing with his eyes, not his hands. 

Our great plan is to wait in the tomb for nightfall, then to spring our trap on the TOTALLY UNAWARE GOBLIN LOOTERS. I offer to go outside to wait and watch, since I can be all animally.  This plan agreed upon I leave…and am assaulted! Totally out of the blue. Green? Brown? Out of the woods. Turns out that trap was to alert the looters who WERE CAMPED NEARBY. This makes so much more sense than whatever I was thinking that trap was actually for. And the goblin shoots me with an arrow in my haunch. MAI HAUNCH! Anyways, this pisses me off so I leap on the goblin and tear out it's throat. I'm a mountain lion right now, so it's okay to do that sort of thing. This pisses off his buddy who is some sort of half orc/half ogre/all smelly thing with a honking large axe… luckily Durus comes running out in time to get in the way of that. Oh also… a bunch of skeleton-zombie things show up and are what the warlock said was following him, I guess, but we don't know whose side they are on and they come out so I take my dead goblin back into the tomb to hide out, and then the undead attack the smelly guy, and Aetron attacks the undead and they stare at him like "Come on, really dude?" so the smelly guy ignores them and keeps fighting with Durus, and Aetron says "My bad" and goes back to the smelly guy as well, and then everyone wants to kill him so he lays a huge axe smack down and kills like 3 undead guys at once but we kill him and then the other undead vanish into the woods… and I think we won but again, what's with the undead?

So, anyways, we did that and Brianne is cool and lets Aetron into the secret sealed tomb area, which we all crowd the door and look into as well but we're cool and casual about it so it's all good.  The tomb itself is a little underwhelming, a rusty iron box with some fancy rings and an old picture pendant thing, a stone tomb with a flying sword and moldering skeleton… nothing of super interest or import so we keep our deal and leave it all be and Brianne shuts the door on us and so we head outside and look for the goblin camp… which we find, but it’s not terribly rewarding either.

Now, the question is what do we do with the tomb? I mean if we just leave it here some other little girl might stumble in and get scarred by the ghost… maybe we can collapse the entrance somehow? OH! Maybe we should ask Brianne if there is any way we can put her to rest? That's an idea to come back too… I mean, we’re not really interested in the loot but, I mean, loot /is/ nice at times… and if she was put to rest there would be no reason to leave it there…

 Regardless, we decide to take a bit of a rest in the lovely overgrown cemetery before proceeding to stop number three…

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Matt's Notes for 8/2/2017
Lowering the bar since 1975

My notes this week weren't so though… thougho… thorou… thoreau… extensive… so I apologize in advance.

We start off still in ye olde tomb, where we close up the door and head off to check out this rumored treasure cave. Sir Bearington is waiting for us, realizes he doesn't need to stay with us any longer, but hat we provide food and entertainment and that if we die he'll get to feast upon us all in the great circle of life so he decides to tag along.  Also, we detect no more weird evil presences…. so I'm sure that's totally done with and we are safe from the undead because they won't come back at some inopportune time in the future!

Traipsing through the woods we do eventually find our way to some gorges amongst the woods which seem like promising locals for caves, and lo we find one. Sneaking about the entrance we hear the faint fluttering of wings, no doubt these are bats (they are not bats) so I warn everyone to watch their hair. Bats love getting up in people's hair. Oh and some sound that could be some large creature breathing deep and steady… or maybe just some air movement in the cave, I'm sure we''ll be fine so I let the party head on in while I feed Sir Bearington and let him know we'll be back soon. The cave, being a cave and therefor dark, caused Aramis to cast light upon his shield so as to allow himself to see. This had the unfortunate side effect of waking up/enraging some blood sucking not-bats… there is much blood loss and splattering of the weird mosquito/bat hybrids. There is absolutely no exchanges of bodily fluids, and we'll never talk of this again. 

Oh, the heavy breathing was a rather large brown bear that we decided could have the cave… I did check out to see if there might be treasure but there was not… false rumor, or deliberate trap? Regardless we head back into town, weary and ready to kick back and relax at the good ol Swinging Sword Inn. Durus and myself head to the bar to speak with the sheriff and get some ale from the woman behind the bar, Kaylessa. Aetron and Aramis (this needs a nickname.  Is "The Double A Team" trying to hard?) however head towards the back of the Inn where Aetron had spotted Dornen, the man who sent us on a wild bear hunt. Clearly he was guilty because when he saw us enter he ran to the bathroom to hide out… totally not because he was having intestinal issues. Probably.

So the really interesting part here is that Kay tells us of Lance Rock and some evil going down out there, and beign the adventuring murder hobo types we are just the people to investigate that shit. Durus and I also get some fine drinks going.  Around this time Aramis decides that waiting outside the bathroom isn't terribly exciting so heads over to get some drinks as well.

However, Aetron's patience is rewarded, when Dornen glances out the door and seeing him pops back inside screaming like a person who just saw an angry warlock waiting for them. Aetron kicks down the door, which takes a few tries but that final kick… oh, that was a sweet one. Door right off the hinges, Dornen pinned to the toilet. Unfortunately Dornen's friends are getting suspicious and start to come looking… and then all heck breaks loose.  Flexo the mighty rips off his shirt, the other less interesting guys don't do that and just come a running after Aetron, who after taking a final stomp on the door (which causes poor Dornen to break through the shoddy toilet into the filth pit below) leaps out the back window and escapes into the night…

The rest of us all all escorted out of the Inn under the disapproving gaze of the halfling deputy. We mill about with the other patrons, sharing some drinks and waiting to see what happens. Sheriff Harburk rounds up Dornen and his quarry working buddies and send them off home.

Meanwhile, Aetron uses his fabulous magic to change his face and heads back in to town (he forgets that he could also change his cloths which would have made the next bit less interesting). As they make their way home, Aetron uses his fabulous magical powers to speak into the mind of Dornen, giving him dire warnings and threats, which causes him to babble like a crazy man. Flexo, being not just uberstrong but more perceptive than his friends, spots the similarly dressed stranger lurking near the crossroads and yells out "IT'S HIM!" and charges… totally whiffing his punch and falling to the ground. Aetron maintains his innocence "I just arrived in town! All alone! These cloths are quite common where I come from, it must have been some other miscreant!" Harburk shoos the quarry folk on home, totally fooled by… wait, nope, not fooled at all. He turns to Aetron, shushes him, and sends him off with that disapproving dad look… he's not angry, just terribly disappointed in you son.

We wrap this up for the night and get ready to take on the mysteries of Lance Rock.

Also we're totally paying for that door and toilet repair… not because we were involved. No no.  Because we're… friendly murder hobos. Doing work for the community. Yup. 

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D&D Beyond

I created a campaign page for us with D&D Beyond. It has some bugs and doesn't let us do everything we need just yet, but the character creation is decent if a stickler for the rules. I have the core books and our adventure and have sharing set up for once you join. I don't see us abandoning obsidian portal yet, but it never hurts to have options. https://ddb.ac/campaigns/join/228593353074117

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Side note

The monetary treasure and rewards that have been detailed to us so far work out to 42g / 8s / 4c each with 3cps extra. I mostly make note of this because I was curious about it while I was filling on the dnd beyond sheet. 

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Matt's Notes for 8/16/2017
Let the music play, down at needle rock

After a good nights rest we head to Castlerock… no… Casterlyrock… no… Needle Rock. Easy enough to find, head towards the huge rock plinth sticking out of the ground. As we get close we come upon a sign "Blah blah plague come no closer blah blah, signed lord of needle rock". Also there is a halfling. 

"Are you lord of Needle Rock?"  "… Maybe." And thus great friendships were made.

All that talking done with we head down into the brushy ravines and eventually find a cave entrance, in which lies a body… investigation shows no obvious signs of plague, just a zombie in leather pants… this zombie is handily dispatched by our new best friend Poppy. 

Pressing farther in to the cave we trigger a zombie trap… rocks fall, no one dies except the zombies.  The center of this room seems to contain a large stone covered with the evidence of sacrifices made, and then passages off to the north and south.  Resident undead detector senses undead in both directions so we go north.

North we find a room in which many bodies are lined up against the walls, Aerimis flame boops one of them, causing a nice domino effect which exposes the 3 animated skeletons for us to dispatch. Searching this room proves to be fruitless and we head towards the south.

To the south we come upon a… site… 3 zombies, dressed in a bear, jester and ladies outfit seem to be enacting some sort of play… and even though their acting seems fresher then they do we put these creatures to their ends.

After this we take a brief rest before continuing our foray into this distinctly non-plauge ridden, but very undead infested cave.

 

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Matt's Notes for 8/30/2017

After our rest and relaxation Poppy heads down the curvy passage to scout ahead. She discovers a huge room, it's ceiling lost in shadow, lit by torches. Inside the room 3 stone biers stand with a wide array of body parts, a cloak humanoid figure works at one of the tables with some sort of bone needle. In the rear of the cave a handful of animate skeletons shuffle about and a quick blur of movement indicates something lurks in the shadows up the stairs.

After a brief discussion we decide to let Poppy sneak back in and then launch our frontal assault on the back of the cloaked figure. This goes as well as any of our plans.

Poppy steps on a crawling claw hand thing, which causes her to scream, which causes us to enter the room, which causes more crawling claws to fall from the ceiling, which causes more screaming, and some running, and zombies, and skeletons with flaming crossbow bolts, and pin cushion bears, and mauling paladins… and then everyone’s favorite part where we win and loot.

Looking around the room we fine the stairs that lead up to a peephole, looking down into a treasure room which we decide to investigate and not to trigger the clever rock fall puzzle lever. The treasure was not inside us, nor was it in the chests. Unless there is suddenly great demand for skeletal hands wired in such a way as to be flipping the bird. 

Afterwards we continue searching around, and head down a passage leading from the large room. We come to a smaller side room, decorated with thick tapestries and furnishings, and a very tasteful crystal orb holder that is crafted from 7 severed arms. Also a strange floating purple eye thing is above the orb.

And also a crazy necromancer, yelling about seeing the eye… blah blah, of course we see the eye it’s right there in the middle of the room, we aren’t blind. Crazy people. But we kill him and take all his stuff and thus the lord of lance rock is dead. And not plagued as far as we can tell. Unless crazy is a plague.  Hmm.

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