Rocks Fall Everyone Dies

Matt's Notes for 6/21/2017

Bear wagon polka

After their rousing success at wolf removal the party takes a well earned rest among the leaves and branches and wolf bits. There is a longer debate than necessary over how to proceed (off the road, on the road, to the caves?)… and then assuming the bandits will still be snug in their bandit beds they head off through the woods.

As dawn breaks over the forest, wisps of smoke and the smell of bacon help direct the party to the camp of their mighty foes. Observing from a distance the party sees that a small clearing fronts a cave, a pair of guards, a pair of tents, a camp fire with cooking bacon (the lure is nearly to much for the dwarf, but his iron will allows him to maintain the vigil)… and a bear in a cage. A poor, starving bear… 

A plan develops. Well, a sort of plan. An idea. Look, we're new at this okay, no one knew how hard it would be to be murder hobos! Anyways, the best plan. We split up along natural lines, Aramis and Darkscale to the right, Durus and Aetron to the left. CnD are to sneak up and free the bear while the PnW will be on call for distraction duty.

The paladin is like a ninja, leaping from tree to tree silently, while the rest of the party are mere mortals tromping amongst the forest floor. After divesting himself of his pots and pans (nat 1) Aramis is able to twinkle-toe through the underbrush (nat 20) with the dwarf tromping along, not gaining the notice of the guards but the bear. The poor, starved bear stares out with his Sarah McLachlan sad eyes… dooming the guards to a final fate, no quarter wil lbe offered for the perpetrators.  Kill some merchants, go to the meat hooks, torment a bear? Death.

At this point things speed up, as the dwarf friends the bear, the Aramis unlocks the door, Aetron initiates the planned distraction…

Bear roar! Bacon dropping grease fire making! A Tent killed by Aetron's energies! Lunging paladins, skewering guards! OMG that bear just ripped out a guys throat! Guys don't like it when they have holes blown through their chests! Discount store Danny Trejo appears, tosses a knife into the paladin's throat! Discount store Danny Trejo is engulfed in fire… And wait, what about that guy in the cave with the spears? Oh right… BEARCHARGESKULLCRUSHINGBITEFTW

Yogi is drafted into the team and fed much boar meat by the dwarf.

We proceed to loot the bodies and cave. There's a bit of noble adjacent finery… claimed by Aetron Valcius despite the blood and the rip in the chest. "I can get blood out the same way I get pee out!". Also, the boar's head (from that slaughtered boar, which is the source of the bacon and assorted other meats hanging in one of the tents) it taken as additional loot by Darkscale.

At this point we dump the cage from the wagon, pile in our ill re-gotten goods and have Yogi help us drag it all back to town. Darkscale rides in style, bear tractor style.  Fireworks and celebratory lights provided by the Aetron. The constable meets us at the edge of town, prepared to fend off this viscous bear calvary assault, but it's just us, the friendly murder hobos. Ultimately we are rewarded with lunch and money and a warning to not threaten to murder citizens while appearing to be demons… not that that happened. Also, Yogi is not allowed in to town as the constable is prejudiced against bears whose jowls are covered in the blood of it's enemies. Darkscale leads him a bit out of ton and lets him take a nap to rest up for his continued journeys with us.

Then off to Fat Tommy's (Formerly known as Lorren's Bakery), home of the cheesy-mushroom-bread that is everything crumblebread is not (i.e.  desirable to eat), for some of pre-mentioned bread as well as beer and rumors! It seems Fat Tommy (the baker formerly known as the rather boring Lorren) went out to investigate the rumored ghosts that scared the little girl. He says that he saw a goblin wizard spelling up the joint, obviously to keep the townsfolk away from all the loot that is contained in the tomb. This sound totally legit. We then go to the lunch provided by the lady butcher. The butcher that is lady, not the butcher that butchers ladies…. wait, is there a murderous butcher in town? We should look in to this. But after we finish lunch and investigating the ghost tomb.

Fat Tommy's is now our unofficial headquarters.

I'm Darkscale, and Fat Tommy's is my favorite bakery on the Citadel… 


meximurph instantapathy

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